I turn 40 in a few weeks and I’m reborn. To the young 20 year-old me who left home scared, unsure of herself, and chasing the wrong things thinking it would make her happy, just know you’re going to be ok.
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged at all. Blogging is a passion of mine. I created this site originally because of my passion for fitness. Little did I know when I created this site, I would gravitate more and more from the reason I began this project in the first place. Over time I have realized life is much more than chasing gains, the perfect body or eating perfectly all the time. I’m seeing how this cannot only be an outlet for me, but also an opportunity to spread God’s word.
Like many of you I struggled with my identity for a long time. As long as I can remember, I struggled with my existence because I was never quite sure why I was ever born.
My upbringing was broken. I struggled with loosing my innocence as a child and dealing with rejection from the people who were supposed to love and nurture me. From the very beginning I was set up to believe I wasn’t worthy enough, pretty enough or smart enough like all of the other people around me.
By nature I’m an introvert, but when you add in all of the bullying and abuse I dealt with every day growing up, I felt trapped, alone, misunderstood and forsaken. Looking back, my parents did the best they could. They were human, the product of their own circumstances, choices and environment. With that said, it didn’t mean I was able to rationalize all of this during the critical developmental years of my life. My confidence was shot by the time I finally left home by the age of 20 and little did I know it would take many years to fully get over all of the hurt and pain I carried.
As I sit here and type, memories are circulating in my mind and I can’t help, but to feel a bit emotional. Not because I am sad, but because we have a God who is so good! Deuteronomy Chapter 31 verse 6 says, “ Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” When I spent so many years living my life feeling lost, ashamed, alone, and forsaken, God was busy working on a wonderful masterpiece. You see God never left my side even though I thought he did.
This identity I struggled with came from years of struggle and brokenness. Over the years I turned to the wrong things to cope and all along the answers I was searching for were right in front of me in the form of a savior … Jesus Christ.
God loved each and every one of us so much he sacrificed his own son to pay for our sins. Despite never feeling loved or accepted, I have always had a God ready to receive me with open arms through his son’s sacrifice and that’s a beautiful thing.
Today I embrace who I am. My identity is defined. God created a woman who posses her own unique traits. I’m confident, strong, resilient, compassionate, beautiful inside and out and wake up each day grateful to God for the work he has done in my life. I no longer compare myself to others because each of us is uniquely designed for a purpose, which is to serve God and advance his kingdom.
My troubled past was by design. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans Chapter 8, verse 28. Now that I have been restored, my passion is to pay it forward through my testimony.
I’m happy to be writing again. This time I plan on being more transparent and vulnerable. Know you are worthy, accepted and loved despite your life circumstances. I used to think I was a mistake, but now I know differently.